"NaNoWriMo, wow what a nerdy name." I muttered as I checked my Facebook for the third time that mourning. "What a lot of work for nothing." I sip some more coffee and return to the post, hesitantly. My eyes scan the screen another time (I was bored with facebook, you-tube, gmail ect.).
For writers that are participating in NaNoWriMo this year, these blog posts are worth checking out. (not me haha). "I keep telling myself, I'm not going to make an idiot of myself." For some unexplainable reason I kept reading. The post talked on about getting your work done on a schedule for getting your work done. Pfffff (the thought I had kept in my head manifested its self as droplets of spit that settled on my computer) Like they're really going to get it done! Most of them will probably write out some crap about some chick and dude falling in love and then the writers will loose their steam and sputter to a complete stop. I got up from the computer in disgust, well I'm not going to be made an idiot! "The easy way to not look stupid is to never try" I told myself. I slammed the computer screen and slowly went to change into my football gear. I had been in football for a year. We had lost most of our games and I spent most of my pre-practice time fearing humiliation. Thoughtsof "gosh I hope that kid doesn't cream me again, looked like an idiot" and "gosh I hope this goes quickly I wana get home fast" swirled through my head as I slowly pull on my wrist coach, and head towards the door carrying my pads and helmet.
In the car I remember times in the past I had tried to write. As I remembered book after book after book that I was sure I wanted to write and failed at writing, one word came to mind, "Failure". That was my carrier as a writer five failed attempts at a book, several notebooks that had random notes that were now unreadable, and one "B" in the 9th grade. "I wish I could write." "I wish I was determined" "I wish I never had to write" "I wish I could get away from doing hard things".
Practice was cold and hard. We spent most of the day running back and forth chasing the ball and pretending to hit the kid who cought it. "I'm glad I have Friday off, and we only have two weeks of this left." Coach gave us a speech in the middle of practice on giving a hundred percent and getting it over with. It must have worked because the rest of practice went smoothly. I lined up in my usual position on defense (aka a hitting dummy) and prepared to chase "that fast kid" across the field. I got ready for the ball to be snapped. "down!" "snap the dang ball! my legs groan" "set" "come on!" "hut!" "its about time!". I fire into the kid across from me and fall on my face. "crap!" the guys start laughing as "the quarter back" effortlessly lobs the ball towards "that fast kid" and scores with little or no effort. *sigh* another day of practice over.
In the car my tired mind is still thinking about what I had read that mourning. NaNoWriMo, my writing assignment, and the weeks math homework that I had just finished. I reach in my pocket for my ipod and before I feel the cold metal I withdraw my hand. "I'm bored". Slowly for some unexplainable reason, tears start trickling out of my eyes. "I have everything I want, why do I cry?" slowly it hits me "I'm not happy" I have everything I want music, movies, friends, a cell phone, cash, a debit card, a Facebook account but I'm still not satisfied. The tears keep flowing down my cheeks, this is crazy.
I had called myself a "Christian" for a while, and I had always been able to give the "right" answer. A month ago I began reading my Bible again and that seamed to keep me from being depressed. Until now, I had been happy with getting a passing 75% with little effort and had felt pretty decent. But this was different, I felt depressed anyway.
I thought back to a conversation I had with my dad about carriers. The conversation started with the normal Socratic question "why do we work?". I answered with my "good kid" answer "to feed our families" the rest of the conversation dealt with understanding what we enjoy about certain jobs and find what God created us to enjoy in life. At the end of the discussion I realized that I had no idea what made me happy. At first I thought "hmmmm thats interesting". It later motivated me to make a list of times I was happy in the past and from that figure out why those events made me happy.
In my head I ran over that list. It slowly dawned on me that 90% of the times I was happy was after I had finished doing learning or working. Gosh, why hadn't I seen this before! I am not happy with having everything I want! I'm happy when I serve or I learn or I finish something hard. I am happy when I accomplish.
I had known this before then or at least I thought I knew it. But it had never really hit me hard enough for me to want to do something about it. I had been happy before because dad was home enough to stay on my back and make me do my best so consequently I was depressed allot less often. Football helped some as well because coach physicly forced me to leave my comfort zone and accomplish stuff that I was sure I couldn't do. But now that football was ending I had become more and more depressed.
I need to work harder. That is the simple truth of the matter. I cannot give 20% and expect to be happy at the end of the day. I need to be working, serving, and living like Christ died for me! I don't know what all this my involve, at the beginning of the year it was football before that it was the reading and learning involved in school, before that it was dad pushing me to accomplish goals of different kinds. Now, for a start I think that its NaNoWriMo. An Impossible goal (for me at least) of writing 750 pages.
The change starts here. It wont a be easy, and determination will not always be there. But I would rather give my best and be satisfied at the end of the day, than give the 20% and stay depressed.
Thanks for reading. The fact that you did makes me feel like I have friends. I plan to post my work to this blog and occasionally on facebook.
Thanks Again!
John Lewis Sims
